"Jealousy, turning saints into the sea,
Swimming through sick lullabies..."
- The Killers, "Mr Brightside".
After almost an hour and a half of intense note making, I decided to give in and take a break, the main reason being because I am finding it absolutely impossible to concentrate. There are way too many ideas bouncing around my head, too many emotions trying to battle each other for the prize of deciding on my mood. It’s all a bit much when you’re trying to wade through the masses of work that needs to be done.
Jealousy. It’s one of those things that no one ever likes to admit to feeling. It’s an ugly feeling for one, bringing out the worst in people, whether the worst is irrational hatred or bitching or, to go to the other extreme, murder. It’s not cute. It’s understandable, but it’s not logical. Being pragmatic and feeling jealous are two things that don’t really do hand in hand. It becomes this whole complex argument, a battle between head and heart, a fight to see which will be the dominant force in what you do next. I believe I’ve made my decision. Of course, there’s a problem with that for anyone. Listen to your head and you’ll run the risk of breaking your own heart. Listen to your heart and you’ll find yourself calling yourself an idiot for a very long time.
The problem with jealousy is that it’s not like other emotions. Happiness is brightening and wonderful, anger is dangerous and sadness is just horrible. But these are all emotions seem to be much more logical. Jealousy is a poison that runs through your veins and begins to consume you, body and mind. All of your focus gets put on this thing that you can’t have. And it’s not like a little tug of jealousy, like when you see someone enjoying a strawberry cupcake and you are annoyed that you can’t have one. No, this is something that takes over your entire life and makes you want to hurt people. The very worst of you will emerge when you’re jealous. You start to realise what you’re really capable of. And you begin to learn how intense your imagination really can be. You paint pictures of what it is that bothers you, ones that are probably far and beyond reality, and you believe that they’re true and then you want to break everything in sight. Think of those few lines in 'Mr Brightside'; it's all in your head and yet, it's killing you and 'taking control...'
Or maybe that’s just me.
But before you think I’m crazy, consider being in this situation. You want something, more than you’ve ever wanted anything else ever in the world, but you know that you can never have it. Then you’re told you’re can. You’re not quite promised it, but the intention of you getting it is always there. And then it’s taken away from you, without warning and you’re left with even less than you have before. And then you’re offered it again. You’re not trusting in it so much this time but it’s taken again anyway and now you’re the idiot who made the decision with their heart. And to make matters worse, someone else has the thing you want. And you still want it, more than anything else in the world. Now you’re certain you’re not going to get it. Your head knows it’s true and your heart wishes it wasn’t. Underneath it all, you’re angry and want to smash something. And then you say those three words, that special little lie you use because you’re ashamed or something:
“I don’t care.”
Liar. You do. I do. I really, really do.
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