A Haze Of Laziness

There is no doubt that it is officially summer, down to the excessive use of ice, the constant sneezing and restless nights resulting in lack of sleep. The heat shows no signs of letting up, and so I've spent these past few days in a haze of laziness. The weekend consisted of a catch-up with another friend, a barbecue, reading (lots and lots of reading) and writing. The laziness will not last. Plans are being set in motion, I am currently looking into booking train tickets to Leeds, among other things, including plans to move into the house. Although the prospect of packing is not something that I am looking forward to...

on the verge of vampire overload

Three days, 18 episodes of True Blood and countless cups of sweet tea later, I have finally torn myself away from the TV with the intention of doing something else. In the past few days I have caught up with a friend I haven't seen for over a year, and spent the day with my best friend, but all in all my time has been spent on my newest addiction, late night series True Blood. At this moment in time, as I plan my sister's 16th birthday present (a trip to the cinema to see an advance screening of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse), I am on the verge of vampire overload.

I am lucky enough to have a distraction, though, that does not include creatures of the supernatural. It was with an excitement that can only be found in literature students that I opened the door to the postman today and had to contain my excitement at the delivery of my books for next year. There is a lot of them, and so today my reading will begin. It made me sad that there was no one to share in my excitement, or to appreciate that new book smell that I love so very much. As for what to read first, there is such a lot to choose from that I hardly know where to begin.

Lets Play Croquet With Hedgehogs And Flamingos.

I've never really been one for the heat. I'm much more of a rain, pounding thunderstorm kind of girl. I've always preferred what summer represented rather than the season itself: time with friends, playing games, tall drinks with ice, light floaty clothes. And spare time to read. Even away from uni, I have alrady compiled a list of books that I plan on reading, which of course includes a reread of 'Alice in Wonderland' and a few books off lists which claim to boast the best books ever written. How true this is remains to be seen.

The main game being played right now is football. I've been watching the World Cup with little interest - I find the fights and arguments that arise much more entertaining than the actual football. There is little enthusiasm for the England match due to kick off in just a few hours, not that I know why. I spent the last England match packing boxes and preparing to come home. Clearly my enthusiasm has been dwindling for a while. All this fuss over a game...I hardly see the point.

I am excited to see my best friends, however. I am yet to see any of the people I have been so eager to see since I've been home, but hopefully that will all change tomorrow. There is only so much historical fiction one can read before wanting something else to do.

a day to remember (june 18th)

One year ago today, I finished my last A Level exams and left sixth form. An hour ago, I walked into my personal tutor's office to sit down and find out my results. I was shocked to discover that not only did I pass, but that I had managed to pass well. I stared at my results sheet for a good few seconds, taking it all in. It was over, my first year was definitely over, and I'd managed to survive it with an average of 60. I was proud, and rewarded myself with a cheese and bacon panini and a bottle of Pepsi Max.

Already today there has been tears as my closest friends start to leave. My room is looking scarily bare and I can't bring myself to pack the last few items that litter my desk and the top of my fridge. It's just a room, but for the past year it has been my home and it's full of memories that I don't want to ever forget and I'm not ready to relinquish ownership of the room just yet. In my mind it still is my room, and these halls are home.

I've had the time of my life.

all you had to do was ask and you could have had it all

The fast pace of life is definitely taking over. As I write this the contents of my room are thrown across the floor, falling off shelves and out of an assortment of cases as I pack up my entire life to be put in storage for the next two months. I feel as if part of me is going with it, which I suppose it is. I know it's not considered correct to define oneself by possessions, but what else do we truly have? People are fickle, they leave and find other purposes, whereas a book or a dancing snake? They won't leave. They are what they are, and that they will remain.

My summer plans have turned upside down, and I don't know whether this is upsetting or liberating. Perhaps both? Someone I thought would be there will not, and there seems to be an empty space now, a space that I am sure my best friend will fill with 90s chick flicks, crisps and highly inappropriate girl talk. Not to mention picnics and maybe even some baking now that she is the proud owner of her very own kitchen. She will distract me to the point of madness, and for that I love her more than words can express.
And you know who you are, you crazy fool. ♥

My mind won't settle; it's full of goodbyes, the desire to keep fighting conflicting with the simpler idea of giving up, the excitement about moving into the house, plans for visiting various destinations around the country, amongst other things. I'm not worried though, things will work out, and not because they always do, but because they have to. I know this isn't the end, if it was the end I'd feel it. It's simply the beginning of the end, and the end of the beginning.

it's not me, it's you.

Because lets be honest, that's what you really mean. It's not about commitment issues, or any of those other standard excuses; you just don't want to admit the truth. You're scared. You're a coward, and think that by blaming yourself that you'll spare us some heartache and soul searching and everyone is happy.

You could not be more wrong.

Here's the facts. By using the phrase "it's not you, it's me", all you are really doing is making sure that the person listening begins to doubt everything about themselves and wondering what it was that they did wrong, because we know the true order of the words. We know the true meaning behind them.

Not this time.

This time I can say with certainty that it's NOT me, it's YOU.

It was always you, and now I see that the more you tried to place the blame on me, the more obvious is became that you truly are a waste of air.

Crashing Waves and Cloudless Skies.

This past week has been hectic: Summer Party on Saturday (a student run festival that ended with a rain storm while the crowd went crazy to N Dubz) and then the last 4 days in Newquay. This trip included sun, sea, sand, rain, the discovery of the post-lash, one 6 and one 7 hour coach trip, fish and chips, possibly the craziest man known to human kind, a birthday, balloons, cake, extremely rude novelty playing cards, many bags of rubbish, dancing, burgers, far too many episodes of Friends and Scrubs, among many other things.

It was the perfect start to the summer.

Time Flies

Today I had my final exam and, at 2.30pm this afternoon, my first year officially came to a close (in terms of teaching, anyway). A whole host of feelings hit me at that moment: relief, happiness, confusion, dread and a desperate need to get out of that Sports Hall and into the sunshine. At this point I don't know whether to laugh or cry: the teaching is over, and the next two weeks are going to be manic enough to give Fresher's Week a run for it's money, but at the same time this means that everything is coming to an end, soon we'll be done completely and we'll all be moving out of halls. Time has gone far to quickly for my liking. It's true what they say, time flies when you're having fun.

What If?

The age old question that everyone asks when things go wrong and when things go right. Lets be honest, we're more likely to ask this when something goes wrong. As a person, it's almost as if we are programmed to go back over everything in our minds, consider alternatives and other situations that could have occured. We analyse everything, from the words to the actions to how you could have made things happen differently. It's a waste of time and energy, and there is nothing we can do now that time has passed, but we do it anyway. And so as I sit here curled up in my bed, listening to people run up and down the corridor and banging doors. Sex and the City on in the background, craving a cup of tea, I am going through my own what ifs, trying to figure things out.

What if I was smarter? What if I was prettier? What if I was skinnier? What if I was nicer? What if I hadn't said no? What if it had been a different day? What if I hadn't gone? What if I wasn't here? What if it hadn't been this long? What if I hadn't told the truth? What if I'd been honest before now? What if, what if, what if...?