Therapy.

I have often heard people say that money can't buy happiness. Some of you will say, "well of course, to buy happiness is impossible as happiness is a feeling and not an object" etc etc. However, as a firm believer in retail therapy, I do believe that sometimes money or, more specifically, spending money is the best way to brighten yourself up, something which I have needed over the past few days. Today, I went into town with a housemate where we spent no more than a few hours browsing shops and talking about the freedom of having no exams, and it was some of the best time I have spent out in a while. I got myself a new skirt - black, perfect for day or night and just what I have been looking for - from COW, a simple patterned top from New Look and two books to add to my summer reading pile from WHSmith. All in all, a good day, topped off by the most amazing banoffee milkshake (which was sadly all gone before there was time to take a picture).

Life Lessons.

I am a firm believer in learning from your mistakes, simply because no one is perfect and we all mess up from time to time. Of course, there is a scale on how badly you mess up. The first step to learning from it is acknowledging what happened and accepting responsibility for what happened. I have learnt about an error that comes from this in the past few months and that is as follows: sometimes it is not only your fault.

My lesson came courtesy of a boy, a boy who is so good with words and knows me so well he can play me like a guitar. He's bad for me and I like him anyway and after months of struggling with my feelings, trying to decipher his, trying to get over him and trying to be his friend I have finally realised that there is just no point: I can't fix this because I am not the only one to blame. I accept responsibility for my actions - namely my inability to say no to him - and I am still waiting for him to accept his. I don't see this happening any time soon so I am finding new ways to vent my anger and disappointment at what happened and the inevitable outcome: I am reading my way through a reading list that has been in the progress of being compiled for the past year and a half, I have started writing (working on a story that I am enjoying putting onto paper) and, just to be drastic and instigate a change, I dyed my hair red.

{Image from weheartit.com}

An Hour To Go.

Every year on the night before my birthday I tend to reflect on the year that has passed and what I have achieved and how I have changed as a person. This year, in particular, has been rather eventful. From raging at men to crazy drunken nights out with the girls, I do not feel that I have wasted my final year of being a teenager as much as I initially thought. As well as being thrown head first into second year in September, there have also been other things that have gone on over the past year that I consider my crucial lessons learnt that must be remembered.

Things I have learnt this year:

- Being a student is a lot of fun, when you balance everything out and know you have earnt the reward of a crazy night out.

- When you don't want to do something that has to be done, you will find anything and everything to use as a form of procrastination. I never used to put things off so much and being at uni has made me lazy. I always get my work done, but maybe I need to improve on my time-keeping and stick to my plans totally and completely. And not get distracted by tv shows and browsing the internet for pretty pictures.

- History can repeat itself. Even if you have the strongest willpower in the world, being tempted to the point that you can't hold on to your self-control anymore is still possible. I wish that I could say I was a better person and that I could control my emotions and live my life led by logic and common sense rather than my feelings. It will never happen, but I can dream.

- In relation to the lesson above, I have learnt that feelings get in the way of everything, including right and wrong. I don't do regrets but I am very aware that many of my recent actions make me a bitch (and that is a polite name to be called in such a situation).

- I love vintage clothing, lipstick and nail varnish. These things are going to evenutally take over my life if I ever relent and start buying excessive amounts of things that I really do not need.

- When I decide I want something I become obsessed with it and find reasons to justify be ridiculous desire, i.e a red maxi dress in the style of Jessica Rabbit. I want one, asap.

- Sitting around and making plans for everything just isn't worth it. I have decided I need to live sometimes, without major planning and wondering and writing lists. In order to get the degree I want it works, for the every day it just seems to much. Shopping lists seem to be the best way to go; otherwise I am wasting time planning when I could be doing.

And soon I will be 20. A year closer to the real world and adulthood. FEAR. Where is the Jack Daniels?!?!

Starting to Bother.

When I was younger I didn't really bother much with my appearance. I was much more interested in books and education. Now, however, I have more time on my hands, have become much more accepting of my body shape and now enjoy shopping a whole lot more. I also started bothering with make-up; not massive amounts, but enough to draw attention to my eyes and I have already mentioned my love of red lipstick and in recent months I have started investing much more in nail varnish. Getting ready to go out takes much longer now but I don't care - I enjoy it much more.

[My mess of a make-up bag.]

[Two new dresses I got this week. In love with the one on the right ♥.]

Plans, Lists, Wishes.

The past few days have been all about plans: I've been planning outfits, for special occasions like my birthday, but also for the summer, when the weather changes and it becomes far too hot for denim. I've been planning what I want to do this summer, what extra things I will do at uni as well as my course, and how I want the story I have been attempting to write for months to end. I'm also getting excited about the upcoming changes in my life: the end of my teens, freedom of not having to read from a list written by someone else, colouring my hair and giving it a brand new style and learning to cook different meals that don't involve bolognese or chicken in any form. As usual, I have been trawling the pages of weheartit between revising and wandering in and out of housemates' rooms, and these are currently some of my favourite finds:

[Potentially the most amazing cake in the world.]

[My very own dream come true.]

[Adorable!]

[Shoes that I wished I owned.]

[If only...I wish I could justify splurging on stockings and suspenders.]

{All pictures from weheartit.com}

The True Definition of Crush.

It's been a while but I thought it was time to get on with the 30 Letter Challenge. Today's lucky recipient is my 'crush', someone who has successfully achieved making me hate and adore him at the same time.

#2: Your Crush.

Dear 'Blue Eyes',
Crush is completely the wrong label for you. You surpassed that a very long time ago, somewhere in between you asking me if I liked you and the time we ended up play-fighting and after pushing me down and coming in way to close you avoided coming within touching distance of me for an hour. You got over it eventually, and acted like it was the most normal thing in the world. We spent that entire night texting. We progressed to talking almost every day and then one day it just stopped. I was going away, you were busy; we didn’t have a friendship that was strong enough to last. I was wrong. You appeared back in my life, and since then it has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, where you’ve been avoiding any kind of label and been unable to decide what you want. I’m not your girlfriend, because she’s someone else, and I don’t want to be your girlfriend to be brutally honest. But I’m not nothing to you either, because this isn’t just about me. You can’t let it go.

I will admit that I like you far more than I should. However, the same can be said to you. The first time you told me that you liked me you skirted around the issue and told me that was the best you could give me. And haven’t we come a long way since then? We don’t see each other much – for good reason. Because we can’t be trusted. We have no self-control. I enjoy your company so much, but being around you is just tempting something to happen. Which, the last few times we’ve seen each other, it always has. It’s progressed though, we used to be flirty and exchange banter that pushed the boundaries; now you make a joke, I start laughing and you kiss me gently as a way of gauging if this is okay. It’s not okay, but we can play pretend. So I kiss you back and for however long we’re together everything is fine, until it’s not. In reality, you’re a cheat, I’m a bitch and we’re making a bad situation so much worse because we can’t help ourselves. We’re like children let loose in a sweet shop. I used to think this would be fine, that it would just fizzle out because it was just a physical attraction that meant nothing. But I don’t think that’s the case anymore; it’s something else, and it can’t be defined, and it’s going to ruin everything.

You asked me why I liked you the last time I saw, just over a week ago, before things got messed up. I didn’t have an answer for you, because I don’t know the answer. You are full of bad qualities but there’s something there, even when you complain that my heeled boots make you look short or that you hate the taste of my lipstick. The truth is, I hate your current haircut, you have no awareness of other people’s feelings and sometimes you come across as arrogant and I want to hit you round the face. The way you are absolutely fascinates me; you’re so odd and at times outrageously mean. I was warned off you when I first met you, and I can see why people said those things. I didn’t listen. I used to think you led me here, like a White Rabbit attempting to turn my world upside down. Now I realise you fit much more the role of the Hatter, speaking in riddles and confusing me with no awareness of what you are doing. You knew it was my favourite story, and you used to call me ‘Alice’. It was a twisted basis for what was bound to come, it was when things got personal, when neither of us wanted to sleep unless the other was on the other end of the phone. We got too close; you were broken and all I wanted was to help and we ruined each other. There’s something there now that will always be there, because for a while it wasn’t physical – it was a need that had nothing to do with animal instinct or greed. It was just easy. And that’s the problem, it requires no effort. We’ve built ourselves something painful and seemingly indestructible. And now we have to break it, because one of these days we’re going to destroy each other.

So maybe ‘crush’ is rather apt, after all. In another context it means to press or squeeze something with force of violence, so as to cause damage of injury. We’re both damaged now but I’m never going to apologise. You are not an innocent party, and you can pretend, but there is something there. It would never have gotten this far if there wasn’t.
- 'Alice'.

Days Filled With Nothing.

The freedom of having nothing to do today was wonderful. I stayed in bed late, then stayed in bed catching up on tv shows with my housemate. After that we made lunch, sat around and talked, watched more tv, and then were joined by another housemate and a friend. We also went to the cinema and watched 'Water for Elephants' which was absolutely beautiful. I'm in a really good mood, and am excited for a shopping trip tomorrow, as well as the more relaxing days that are coming up. The thing I am most looking forward to: BOOKS!!


The prospect of reading for fun. My very own summer reading list is slowly coming together and it fills me with excitement.
{Image from weheartit}

Deadline Day.

I did take pictures to document the momental change that my bedroom under-went as my deadlines approached but the 'before' pictures are far too embarrassing: paper everywhere, empty mugs and glasses, wrappers from snacks and a trail of clothes that I had been far too lazy to pick up. However, as of 11.45 this morning, all of my essays were handed in, and I have decided that the best course of action is to focus on my revision (after a few well earnt days off) and not worry about the marks that the work is going to receive. This is extremely unlikely to happen, however, I can pretend. :)

Student Mode.

I've only been back in the house since Sunday and already I have switched straight back into student mode. A trail of shoes, several empty Diet Coke/Pepsi Max bottles, odd socks and empty packets from an assortment of snacks littered my bedroom floor earlier today, which I have to clean before I could even dream of sitting down to do some work. Deadlines are drawing ever closer and I am beginning to lose the ability to even care. The only thing getting me through this is the mass celebration we have planned for Thursday. (After our seminar, of course. We want to let loose, but must be responsible and attend the last seminar of the year first.)

My last week at home was...interesting. I saw my best friend and marvelled at her pregnancy bump, fascinated by the fact she has a little person inside of her; I saw an old friend who I never see, a relationship maintained only by the internet at this point and was surprised at how easy it was to slip back into comfortable silences and almost offensive banter with him; and then there was the family time that just didn't seem enough by the end of those two weeks. Train tickets for my next visit home will be booked by the end of this week. :D

This week I have rediscovered my love for red lipstick, realised I think my hands look wrong without naril varnish, become obsessed with Tinie Tempah's lastest single and decided to dye my hair red. I am also on the hunt for some new amazingly gorgeous heeled shoes that make me feel incredible, even on the worst of days.

{Image from weheartit.com}